Remove The Stress Around Having Difficult Conversations
Many managers find it hard to have difficult conversations. Conversations such as:
- Poor performance, especially when it is repetitive
- Inappropriate behaviour in the workplace
- Terminating employment
These are even more challenging when these conversations are fuelled by feelings of frustration and thoughts such as “I have had enough” or “I’m fed up”. When you think this, you are already sending messages to yourself that makes you feel exasperated and perhaps impatient.
Years ago, when I managed a bigger company, at the height of my frustrations I occasionally had thoughts that triggered my own stress responses, such as:
“Why can’t they just be on-time for work”?
“Why won’t they just go through the processes that we’ve created”?
“Why don’t they just show up and do what they’re paid to do”?
We cause ourselves frustration by lamenting over these thoughts. Worse, this energy draining thinking doesn’t just remain at work with employees, they tend to spill over into the interactions with our children, our spouses and even friends. Many of the managers that I coach, agree! They, too, have had similar thoughts that cause them unnecessary suffering which affects their leadership and ability to influence their team.
Agitated, stressed manager speaks with underperforming employee.
The Myth We Believe
One of the reasons we feel stressed, is we think, believe and expect that things and people should be different than they are. We create a picture of how situations and people should be, and that picture is always perfect. But when we look at the people in front of us, they don’t behave like the ones in our imagination, and the situations that we face each day are playing out very different than the ones in our minds. I asked a client once “how does the real person compare” and she responded “it was like night and day”. No wonder she was frustrated, she was expecting certain behaviours from someone that only existed in her head! This thinking doesn’t only show up in the workplace. It shows up in our everyday lives.
So, how do we get rid of the anxiety around communicating with employees in some of these uncomfortable situations? We close the gap between our expectations and the outcomes.
Frustrated and anxious manager, avoiding difficult conversation with employee about performance.
Bust the Myth
First, be willing to accept that people and situations are going to be exactly as they are and you make this determination not by their intentions or what they say, but by how they behave and the results they create. Next, be willing to address the person that does show up. Is this person by their behaviours, someone you can depend on to provide you with accurate and timely reports? Or is this someone that behaves tardy and consistently misses deadlines? For example, one of my clients used to get anxious each month approaching her Executive team meetings because one of her team members was often late in producing a report that required her review prior to these sessions. She kept thinking and believing that her team member would send her the information 3 days before as she requested, but it rarely happened. This way, you can address the behaviours, communicate your expectations and set boundaries.
Manager and employees having open conversation
Drop the “Difficult”
The reason, we label these conversations as difficult is because we think about what the other person is going to think, and we usually conclude that they are going to think something “bad” The other reason is, we get anxious about what the other person is going to feel and we usually conclude they are going to feel something “negative”
Another reason is we worry about how the other person will behaviour.
I was able to change this and help my clients do the same by changing my mindset around these conversations and changing my approach.
Drop the label “difficult”
Remember that conversations are simply words between 2 or more people designed to give and get information
Ask questions and listen more, talk about what you notice and ask the person why is this happening.
Communicate clear expectations, set firm boundaries and agree next steps
Uncover what help the person needs to get on track
Be willing to be disciplined and follow through on what you say.
Remember, you get better at what you practice.
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I’m Nadine Seaga and I’m a Mindset & Leadership Coach, Founder & Chief Energy Officer (CEO) of People Development Consultants. I can help you to harness your full potential and the full potential of those you lead! Check out my free masterclass at http://www.pdconsults.com/freemasterclass Get started on this life-changing work.